Saturday in the Park

Quick advice: When your wife is pregnant, tired, and hungry, its important that all communication is clear and understood.

Setting: Washington, D.C.
Characters: The Newcomers. 28 weeks pregnant Taiwanese woman and 32 year old "looks pregnant" male.

Scenario: Pregnant wife, tired and hungry, tells husband she really wants to see the National Mall area. Couple then walk a while to get to the mall. Once arriving at the famed green lawn that stretches from the Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial, wife asks "where is the mall?" Husband says "Baby, your looking at it, isn't this awesome?" to which wife disappointingly says "but I thought it was a mall, with air conditioning, bathrooms, and a food court." Wife is not amused.

Somethings Fishy

Ellen and I have spent the past few days in Washington, D.C., and it has been great meeting up with old friends from BYU and seeing some of the sights out here. Despite being in the American Capitol City, we have managed to eat in Chinatown twice, at Chinese restaurants. Thus, wherever the chance presents itself, Ellen will forgo whatever famous or noteworthy restaurants happen to be in town in order to procure her fave: fried noodles/fried rice and roasted duck. That is what we chowed down the first trip to Chinatown, for lunch. Later the same night, we made our way back to Chinatown and found a dumpy place crowded with Chinese. As we sat down, Ellen spied a fish tank, and instantly felt the urge to eat one. She starts excitedly pointing to the tank and saying stuff in Mandarin, and the next thing I know some poor cook comes out, and for 5 minutes struggles to get one of these flopping, splashing and thrashing fish into his net. Finally, the fish is netted and quickly placed into a bucket, and hauled behind the kitchen door. A few moments later, I hear some loud pounding noises and Ellen explains "he is killing the fish for us!" all the while smiling with anticipation of the finned finale to our day. A few minutes later, the steamed fish is on our table, and Ellen tears into it like a fat kid tears into a Snickers bar, or like I tear into a snickers bar...The strangest part was, while we were eating our scaled steak of the seas, all the fish in the tank were bunched in the corner, staring at us. We both had this sense of shame. I'm telling you, it is just this strange emotion eating a fish while 6 or 7 other fish, that moments ago were frolicking in the frothy tank with their brother, are now watching him being picked apart with chopsticks. I'm just thinking about the fact that Ellen loved the D.C. Chinatown, which PALES in comparison to the Chinatown in NYC. Does this mean we will eat 90% of our meals with chopsticks in NYC too? This isn't fair-I mean, when we go to Taiwan, there isn't some "Ameritown" I can go to and get good burgers, steaks, french fries, pizza, nachos, and other American fare. Yet, anytime we hit a big city here in America, we pretend we are in China. Nice.

My first re-written post.

(This has been changed from the original. I wish to explain before you read, that I do not in fact believe that ALL members of various groups and races mentioned below are a certain way. I do wish to state, however, that stereotypes exist for a reason. I hope people find my posts below humorous rather than offensive. We will never get along if we can't laugh at each other, right? )

I am studying for finals right now, which is why there have been no posts lately. I suggest pondering these questions to amuse yourself in the time being:

1. Why do church-based fundraisers (YW especially) often involve me paying $10.00 or $15.00 for something totally crappy that looks like it was produced by the cub scouts w/o supervision? (Thanks for the inspiration Dan & Janay)

2. Why doesn't my body warn me that my aim might be off before I take a whiz in the morning? Seriously, some kind of signal would be nice before the damage is done once in a while. (This might be TMI, but its 2 AM and this is my break from studying, so cut me some stinkin slack)

3. Why did I wait until I had a big flabby gut before I decided to take up golfing? Try swinging a club with your arms almost perpendicular to your chest. It ain't easy.

4. Why in the world do Ellen and I never eat at a buffet except on days we visit the dentist? The past few weeks, we went twice, and both times I was sitting there trying to shove lo-mein into my half-numb mouth. Noodles spilling out, and kids are staring at me wondering why its backwards. "Mommy, how come noodles are coming out of that man's mouth? They are supposed to go inside, not come out!"(hmmm, does post #4 somehow relate to the problems experienced in post #3? seriously, am I so hungry that I'm willing to go to a buffet with no feeling of my tongue or the entire left side of my mouth?)

5. Why do I still use a freakin PC? I am so ready to convert to MAC its not even funny. I've had to reinstall 3 pieces of software, run malicious software removal tools, spybot, re-boot, etc. Those commercials with the suit-wearing guy with issues and the easy going cool guy are really starting to make sense. Any MAC converts feel free to post about how your Mac is so much better than my PC, so I can convince Ellen to let me get a Mac.

6. How have men managed to rule the world? Observe: In Ellen's primary class, the 10 year old girls read really well, know where to find scriptures, and seem to be really observant of the happenings around them. The boys, on the other hand, fight over who is the better belcher, don't know which end of the quad the BoM is in, and are totally oblivious to the fact that the girls are running circles around them intellectually and spiritually. 

Fast forward to missionary life: Elders (some Elders) talk about the top ten greatest rock bands of all time, top ten best movies, top ten best Super Bowl winners, the best slice of pizza they ever had, whose gf , past or present, is the hottest, and even which women in the area are "temptations" for them. Sisters (most) talk about how they are going to meet all of their investigators with only 6.5 days a week to do it, how best to serve the less active, where to buy the cheapest ingredients to make cookies for people, and how to be humble at district meeting every week while the cocky Elder exercises authority over them.  

Now jump to married life. Who is the one who is organized, keeps things running, makes sure everyone needs are met? Who knows how to make things look nice, and never has problems with pants being stuck in their socks? It boggles my mind that men still rule the world. 

7. The original posting here was removed do to its offensive content, but a summary is here: 

A.  Mexican handyman  begs Trevor for some work while at church; housing construction is down and its hard for him to make ends meet.

B. Trevor, feeling a little sorry about the situation,  calls the man the next day and offers him the job of painting a section of fence and nailing down some pipes in the attic, since Trevor can't fit up in the attic too easily. Handyman promises to do the work on Wednesday morning, 8:00 A.M. sharp.  Handyman then calls back and says he must speak to Trevor immediately. He comes over and asks for full payment up front, because he needs gas money and things are really tight. Trevor then drives over to the bank, withdraws cash, and pays Handyman right there in the parking lot.  Handyman promises to get the work done first thing tomorrow (Wednesday). When Trevor tells his wife what happened she says "My friend told me you can't trust the Mexican worker to do the work if you pay them first; they always make excuses and take a long time to do it." Trevor then tells Ellen how horrible it is to think that way about people, and just because they are from Mexico doesn't mean they are lazy. 

C. Trevor wakes up Wednesday morning, and waits, but Handyman never shows up. Trevor calls and leaves a message, but the call is never returned. 

D. On Thursday mid-day, Handyman calls and says "something came up, so I couldn't get over to your place. I will be there this afternoon." Trevor again waits for Handyman to arrive. He never does. 

E. On Friday morning, Handyman calls Trevor and tells him how he can't do the work until Monday. Trevor gets angry. Trevor tells Handyman that he can't trust him to do any work in the future, won't ever refer him to friends, and has to really try hard to convince his wife that certain stereotypes about Handyman aren't true. Trevor also explains that they had contract, and Handyman was in breach of the contract (legal jargon always works) and if he didn't perform by Monday, Trevor could take things to court. This apparently scared Handyman into working. 

F. Handyman finally shows up Monday morning, paints the fence, but gives up working on the pipes after 10 minutes because he can't reach the problem due to a AC duct being in the way. Trevor points out that by walking another 10 feet in the attic, Handyman can get around the duct and reach the problem area. Handyman reluctantly gets back in the attic and finishes the work that he was already paid for.  

G. Trevor feels stupid for paying up front, even though he did it because Handyman personally came over and asked him for help. Trevor decides to post about it, but does it in a sarcastic, offensive manner. Trevor thought it was hilarious, but some people didn't find it too funny. 

H. Trevor will now offend everyone so all can feel equally dissed. 

1. Americans are arrogant, cocky, gluttonous pigs who think they own the world.

2. Canadians are inexplicably proud of their maple leaf cloth they call a flag. What is that all "aboot?"

3. Mormons are self-righteous, judgmental and don't know when to stop having kids. 

4. Catholic priests sometimes get "agape" and "eros" mixed up when they are with little boys.

5. Mexicans are (see above)

6. There is a reason Jews have their nationality verbalized. "I got jewed"

7. Russians drink way too much  Vodka. That is why most kids grow up thinking that slurred and fumbled speech is Russian. In fact, it was just a drunk Russian taking incoherently, and not real Russian. 

8. The English have some jacked-up teeth. So do the Japanese. I sometimes get puzzled as to how some people get pieces of candy or gum beyond that treachorous maze in their mouth. You can build robots that dance like humans but have teeth from 1750? What is up with that? 

9. Don't sit next to an Indian man(the Qwik-E-Mart kind, not the firewater & feathers kind) on an international flight. No deodorant is a given, as is the week- old curry smell that lasts the entire flight. When the attendant asks you what you want for a meal, you feel like telling her "I already know what the curry tastes like, so I'll try the pasta."

Finally, Carlos Boozer can't stop a sloth.  As a Jazz fan, I was hopeful that Booz would play up to  All-star level in the playoffs, but the dude is magic on defense, cause he always vanishes right before his man goes to the hoop. 

That's all for now.