Ever seen a goldfish? Ever seen one swimming in a kids mouth?

I think this pic is kinda gross, but my objections were overruled, and so here it is. Its just Rayley munching on some goldfish crackers. Anyone reading this hungry yet? Didn't think so.

Like a Freak on a Leash

I've never been a fan of Korn for several reasons. First, whats up with the K? Are you trying to be scary? If you want to be scary, and use the word Korn, just make it corn, like "Children of the Corn." That movie series is so scary, I have never even seen it. Still, some feral children with scathes and reapers hiding in some tall corn killing a bunch of people frightens me to this day. I've never seen any of the films, and I haven't even checked it out on Wikipedia, but my fear is based on some assumptions based on some overheard conversations in junior high from some fairly credible sources. KORN. Is it an acronym? Kids' Own Runny Noses? Kentucky's Original Red Necks? I see a made-for-TV movie about a renegade band of biker dudes from Kentucky, black leather jackets on, with a really mean looking ear of corn embroidered under the letters K-O-R-N.

Now, the reason for the Korn references is simple. The band Korn had one major hit song, "Freak on a Leash." My little girl can seem like a freak on a leash. Thats the connection. Thats the whole entire reason why the above paragraph exists.

Ellen has finally discovered Target, something I was passively trying to protect my wallet from for the past few years. I've seen what Target can do to a woman. Suddenly, overpowered by the siren call of the simple red dot surrounded by a circle, a woman finds all sorts of crap she never intended to buy, that suddenly become "must haves." I don't want to hear any baloney about how a guy shopping at Home Depot does the same thing, because in those cases, the items purchased are actually useful, its just that sometimes I never get around to using them. Well, during one of Ellen's 3 sojourns to Target this week (yikes!), she stumbled across this monkey on a backpack thingamajiggy, which you fasten to a toddler. We have only used it for a day, but Rayley has already decided its not a good thing for her to be wearing. In one particular pic, you can tell that Mom is not too thrilled with having to hold back the reigns when Rayley wants to touch everything within 30 feet.

Totally Safe for All Infants and Toddlers!(PG-13)

Hmm, I wonder why its hard to find this floatation device in America? Could it have something to do with safety standards or the fact that we value human life? Take a look at this thing, it gives new meaning to the phrase "I'm going to ring your neck!" "Really, your going to ring my neck? Gee, thanks, I'll be able to enjoy countless hours in the pool now!" Rayley is our little tadpole, and she loves to paddle around any body of water in which its physically possible to do so.

When most people notice our little mermaid on the surface, they give this look of shock, curiosity, and then ask what the number is for Child Protective Services. If they would just inspect a little closer, they would realize just how safe and effective the neck-nut (thats what I call it, you know, donut for the neck) can be in teaching your little ones to swim. The only worry I have is that, in the unfortunate circumstance that Rayley is drowning some day, someone will toss her a life-saver, and she will mistakenly slip her head through it, and be confused that her chin doesn't naturally rest on it somewhere. Other than that, I'm trying to figure out how to market these things in the U.S. Liability insurance might be a problem though...

Oh, this post is rated PG-13 because Ellen just pointed out the kids making out in the hot tub in the background of one photo.

Cause she's proud to be an American!

Ellen is a Citizen of the United States of America! After 3 years of enduring marriage to me, studying and passing a civics test, and paying a lot of money to the U.S. Govt, Ellen took the oath and was naturalized on August 12th. Once we were leaving the ceremony site, Ellen actually expressed to me that she really likes the Lee Greenwood song, "God Bless the USA." She wants to get it as a ringtone on her cell phone. I think its a little strange to have that as a ringtone when its not around the 4th of July, but hey, I'm not a recently naturalized citizen, so who am I to judge?