America is the land of the smorgasbord. Wherever you turn, you can find a buffet. And here, a buffet means your supposed to eat as much as you want. I can actually remember my first experience with a buffet. I believe it was in Grants Pass, Oregon, when I was five years old, moving with my family from Benton City, Washington to Bloomington, Illinois. Not to bore you with details, but I remember the beef ribs like it was yesterday. I'm sure they really weren't anything great, but those saucy meaty morsels of cowflesh really tasted wonderful. I think I pounded at least 4 or 5 of those things, and that was as a five year old. Little did I know back then that my love for the all-you-can-eat buffet would only grow stronger.
Somewhere in the 80's, we were driving through Missouri, and stopped at a place called Duff's. It was a redneck's paradise kind of place. Stale nacho chips with cheap cheese sauce, a "taco" bar with some ground beef and the same cheap sauce; self-serve soda (this was not as common in the 80's) and ice cream. I was in gastro-paradise. I didn't know we were eating crap on a plate; I downed that chow like it was my last meal before a Ghandiesque fast for peace. Thus, that meal and the making of "suicide" sodas, and downing plenty of ice cream to polish it all off, are still burned in my memory.
Now in my 30's, I am showing the scars of my love for the steam tables. Actually, they are not scars, but some stretch marks undoubtedly aided by the multiple-course feedings I am so fond of. I think my size is sometimes threatening to a restaurant. This brings me to the point of today's post: The rude waitress at the Chinese/Japanese (that means a bunch of Chinese wearing Kimonos pretending to be Japanese) Buffet we visited this past week.
The waitress, I'll call her "Kiki" for the purposes of this post, first sat us at a table in the middle of the room, then went to some other waitresses standing in the corner. I noticed Kiki whisper to them, then all of them look at me and giggle. Then they started chattering back in forth, possibly placing bets on how many plates I would consume. Kiki looked like she would try and beat the over/under by ending my dining prematurely. Little did she or the rest of them know that my competitive nature, pride, and experience were going to foil any attempts at curbing my zeal for zucchini, passion for potstickers, and desire for oriental delicacies.
Kiki's first move: The Staredown
Kiki looked at me with her squinty eyes and thought that her sneery stare would stop my sojourns to the sushi pile, but it would take more than mere looks to thwart my mission:making sure I ate at least $14.95 (the value of admissions) worth of food.
Kiki's next maneuver: Utensil Removal
Kiki started making not-so-subtle hints that I should quit my consumption. First she took plates, and at one point, actually put my fork on the plate before removing it. Another time, she went for my chopsticks. I thought about going to my trusty index and forefinger, always there, always ready to grab, but instead located the chopstick jar and grabbed another pair. Try harder, Kiki!
Kiki's final attempt: Fortune-cookies
Maybe you've experienced this at a buffet before, where you've done maybe two, at the most three trips, and all of a sudden your check, some mints or candies, and some fortune cookies are on your table. The receipt has "thank you" scrawled upon it, suggesting you've had all you can eat. Kiki wrongly assumed that my 10 minutes of inactivity meant that I was finished. Silly server, tricks are for kids, and no fortune cookie & receipt combination is going to knock this boxer out of his fight. Besides, the NBA finals were on the big screen above us, and if they wanted us to leave, they shouldn't have the game on.
I lost count of how many trips I made, but I was satisfied at the end. Kiki should have known better; If a large man with an Asian wife comes into your restaurant, and he knows how to hold the chopsticks, he is going to get his money's worth.
4 comments:
Aaahhh Yes, I have been satisfied. Hey I remember the trashy buffet too, they had mountain dew and we thought it was bad.
Very well written Trevor! I love me some good buffet!
oh trevor!! another FABULOUS post brother!! You should have told "Kik" in Japanese to SHOVE IT!!! Hey, embrace the stretch marks I say!!
Okay, we need to take our wives to the Mongolian b-b-q, but we need to leave a good 2 hour cusion before the movie so we can take our sweet time. I was way too rushed on our man date.
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