Saturday in the Park

Quick advice: When your wife is pregnant, tired, and hungry, its important that all communication is clear and understood.

Setting: Washington, D.C.
Characters: The Newcomers. 28 weeks pregnant Taiwanese woman and 32 year old "looks pregnant" male.

Scenario: Pregnant wife, tired and hungry, tells husband she really wants to see the National Mall area. Couple then walk a while to get to the mall. Once arriving at the famed green lawn that stretches from the Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial, wife asks "where is the mall?" Husband says "Baby, your looking at it, isn't this awesome?" to which wife disappointingly says "but I thought it was a mall, with air conditioning, bathrooms, and a food court." Wife is not amused.

Somethings Fishy

Ellen and I have spent the past few days in Washington, D.C., and it has been great meeting up with old friends from BYU and seeing some of the sights out here. Despite being in the American Capitol City, we have managed to eat in Chinatown twice, at Chinese restaurants. Thus, wherever the chance presents itself, Ellen will forgo whatever famous or noteworthy restaurants happen to be in town in order to procure her fave: fried noodles/fried rice and roasted duck. That is what we chowed down the first trip to Chinatown, for lunch. Later the same night, we made our way back to Chinatown and found a dumpy place crowded with Chinese. As we sat down, Ellen spied a fish tank, and instantly felt the urge to eat one. She starts excitedly pointing to the tank and saying stuff in Mandarin, and the next thing I know some poor cook comes out, and for 5 minutes struggles to get one of these flopping, splashing and thrashing fish into his net. Finally, the fish is netted and quickly placed into a bucket, and hauled behind the kitchen door. A few moments later, I hear some loud pounding noises and Ellen explains "he is killing the fish for us!" all the while smiling with anticipation of the finned finale to our day. A few minutes later, the steamed fish is on our table, and Ellen tears into it like a fat kid tears into a Snickers bar, or like I tear into a snickers bar...The strangest part was, while we were eating our scaled steak of the seas, all the fish in the tank were bunched in the corner, staring at us. We both had this sense of shame. I'm telling you, it is just this strange emotion eating a fish while 6 or 7 other fish, that moments ago were frolicking in the frothy tank with their brother, are now watching him being picked apart with chopsticks. I'm just thinking about the fact that Ellen loved the D.C. Chinatown, which PALES in comparison to the Chinatown in NYC. Does this mean we will eat 90% of our meals with chopsticks in NYC too? This isn't fair-I mean, when we go to Taiwan, there isn't some "Ameritown" I can go to and get good burgers, steaks, french fries, pizza, nachos, and other American fare. Yet, anytime we hit a big city here in America, we pretend we are in China. Nice.

My first re-written post.

(This has been changed from the original. I wish to explain before you read, that I do not in fact believe that ALL members of various groups and races mentioned below are a certain way. I do wish to state, however, that stereotypes exist for a reason. I hope people find my posts below humorous rather than offensive. We will never get along if we can't laugh at each other, right? )

I am studying for finals right now, which is why there have been no posts lately. I suggest pondering these questions to amuse yourself in the time being:

1. Why do church-based fundraisers (YW especially) often involve me paying $10.00 or $15.00 for something totally crappy that looks like it was produced by the cub scouts w/o supervision? (Thanks for the inspiration Dan & Janay)

2. Why doesn't my body warn me that my aim might be off before I take a whiz in the morning? Seriously, some kind of signal would be nice before the damage is done once in a while. (This might be TMI, but its 2 AM and this is my break from studying, so cut me some stinkin slack)

3. Why did I wait until I had a big flabby gut before I decided to take up golfing? Try swinging a club with your arms almost perpendicular to your chest. It ain't easy.

4. Why in the world do Ellen and I never eat at a buffet except on days we visit the dentist? The past few weeks, we went twice, and both times I was sitting there trying to shove lo-mein into my half-numb mouth. Noodles spilling out, and kids are staring at me wondering why its backwards. "Mommy, how come noodles are coming out of that man's mouth? They are supposed to go inside, not come out!"(hmmm, does post #4 somehow relate to the problems experienced in post #3? seriously, am I so hungry that I'm willing to go to a buffet with no feeling of my tongue or the entire left side of my mouth?)

5. Why do I still use a freakin PC? I am so ready to convert to MAC its not even funny. I've had to reinstall 3 pieces of software, run malicious software removal tools, spybot, re-boot, etc. Those commercials with the suit-wearing guy with issues and the easy going cool guy are really starting to make sense. Any MAC converts feel free to post about how your Mac is so much better than my PC, so I can convince Ellen to let me get a Mac.

6. How have men managed to rule the world? Observe: In Ellen's primary class, the 10 year old girls read really well, know where to find scriptures, and seem to be really observant of the happenings around them. The boys, on the other hand, fight over who is the better belcher, don't know which end of the quad the BoM is in, and are totally oblivious to the fact that the girls are running circles around them intellectually and spiritually. 

Fast forward to missionary life: Elders (some Elders) talk about the top ten greatest rock bands of all time, top ten best movies, top ten best Super Bowl winners, the best slice of pizza they ever had, whose gf , past or present, is the hottest, and even which women in the area are "temptations" for them. Sisters (most) talk about how they are going to meet all of their investigators with only 6.5 days a week to do it, how best to serve the less active, where to buy the cheapest ingredients to make cookies for people, and how to be humble at district meeting every week while the cocky Elder exercises authority over them.  

Now jump to married life. Who is the one who is organized, keeps things running, makes sure everyone needs are met? Who knows how to make things look nice, and never has problems with pants being stuck in their socks? It boggles my mind that men still rule the world. 

7. The original posting here was removed do to its offensive content, but a summary is here: 

A.  Mexican handyman  begs Trevor for some work while at church; housing construction is down and its hard for him to make ends meet.

B. Trevor, feeling a little sorry about the situation,  calls the man the next day and offers him the job of painting a section of fence and nailing down some pipes in the attic, since Trevor can't fit up in the attic too easily. Handyman promises to do the work on Wednesday morning, 8:00 A.M. sharp.  Handyman then calls back and says he must speak to Trevor immediately. He comes over and asks for full payment up front, because he needs gas money and things are really tight. Trevor then drives over to the bank, withdraws cash, and pays Handyman right there in the parking lot.  Handyman promises to get the work done first thing tomorrow (Wednesday). When Trevor tells his wife what happened she says "My friend told me you can't trust the Mexican worker to do the work if you pay them first; they always make excuses and take a long time to do it." Trevor then tells Ellen how horrible it is to think that way about people, and just because they are from Mexico doesn't mean they are lazy. 

C. Trevor wakes up Wednesday morning, and waits, but Handyman never shows up. Trevor calls and leaves a message, but the call is never returned. 

D. On Thursday mid-day, Handyman calls and says "something came up, so I couldn't get over to your place. I will be there this afternoon." Trevor again waits for Handyman to arrive. He never does. 

E. On Friday morning, Handyman calls Trevor and tells him how he can't do the work until Monday. Trevor gets angry. Trevor tells Handyman that he can't trust him to do any work in the future, won't ever refer him to friends, and has to really try hard to convince his wife that certain stereotypes about Handyman aren't true. Trevor also explains that they had contract, and Handyman was in breach of the contract (legal jargon always works) and if he didn't perform by Monday, Trevor could take things to court. This apparently scared Handyman into working. 

F. Handyman finally shows up Monday morning, paints the fence, but gives up working on the pipes after 10 minutes because he can't reach the problem due to a AC duct being in the way. Trevor points out that by walking another 10 feet in the attic, Handyman can get around the duct and reach the problem area. Handyman reluctantly gets back in the attic and finishes the work that he was already paid for.  

G. Trevor feels stupid for paying up front, even though he did it because Handyman personally came over and asked him for help. Trevor decides to post about it, but does it in a sarcastic, offensive manner. Trevor thought it was hilarious, but some people didn't find it too funny. 

H. Trevor will now offend everyone so all can feel equally dissed. 

1. Americans are arrogant, cocky, gluttonous pigs who think they own the world.

2. Canadians are inexplicably proud of their maple leaf cloth they call a flag. What is that all "aboot?"

3. Mormons are self-righteous, judgmental and don't know when to stop having kids. 

4. Catholic priests sometimes get "agape" and "eros" mixed up when they are with little boys.

5. Mexicans are (see above)

6. There is a reason Jews have their nationality verbalized. "I got jewed"

7. Russians drink way too much  Vodka. That is why most kids grow up thinking that slurred and fumbled speech is Russian. In fact, it was just a drunk Russian taking incoherently, and not real Russian. 

8. The English have some jacked-up teeth. So do the Japanese. I sometimes get puzzled as to how some people get pieces of candy or gum beyond that treachorous maze in their mouth. You can build robots that dance like humans but have teeth from 1750? What is up with that? 

9. Don't sit next to an Indian man(the Qwik-E-Mart kind, not the firewater & feathers kind) on an international flight. No deodorant is a given, as is the week- old curry smell that lasts the entire flight. When the attendant asks you what you want for a meal, you feel like telling her "I already know what the curry tastes like, so I'll try the pasta."

Finally, Carlos Boozer can't stop a sloth.  As a Jazz fan, I was hopeful that Booz would play up to  All-star level in the playoffs, but the dude is magic on defense, cause he always vanishes right before his man goes to the hoop. 

That's all for now.

Unique experiences with Ellen

At the dentist office this week, the dentist asked Ellen if she had ever eaten dog (she never has) and Ellen replied: "Well, everyone knows that black dogs are the best, then yellow, then spotted, then white. The brown dogs are not as tasty." It is important to note that one of the dental assistants had her black poodle right there in the office. The dentist then explained that he lived in Japan for awhile when he was in the military. Ellen then said, in front of all the assistants "Did you ever start liking asian girls over there? Did you ever fall in love with asian girls?"

While reading from the BoM this morning, Ellen said "Oh good, there is a footprint for this word!" (footnote)

The past two mornings, I have woken up and fixed breakfast. This morning, Ellen got up and I could smell the eggs and bacon. I was getting really excited for a good breakfast, and was surprised to find this on the breakfast table:


Mmmm, breakfast spaghetti with yogurt drink! I know your all jealous!!

The hotness of a pregnant woman (when she is your wife)

Ok, my friend Dan was explaining to me awhile back that when your wife is pregnant, they get this glow, and their is just this special hotness to them, which is above and beyond the usual levels of hotness you find in your wife.
Now I am experiencing it for myself. I just thought my honey was so dang cute today, and although she is at 23 weeks, she just has that sum'n sum'n that makes me smile!

Travel to Tahoe

We took a quick trip to Lake Tahoe for the weekend, so here are some pics. Luckily for you, there aren't pics of me and Ellen in the swimming pool together, so you can't play "guess which one's pregnant?"

We got a good deal on the lodging: $84.00 for a room with a view, including unlimited access to heated pool, spa, indoor tennis, racquetball, and basketball. If we we wanted to ski, there was a gondola and high speed quad lift about a 5 minute walk from our room. It was all pretty nice.

Dinner: We ate at this mongolian barbecue joint called "Fire and Ice." I liked the concept, because you go to this raw bar and pick out your noodles, meats, veggies, and sauces, then some dudes cook it all up on a big grill. Ellen figured out real quickly how to load up three or four different dishes on the grill at one time, and then got the timing down to where she would finish one dish just as another was being done. I think both her and the baby got their fill. Heck, I gained 5 pounds just from smelling all the food Ellen was eating.

Nighttime Entertainment: After cruising around Tahoe and taking some pics, we settled in and Ellen crashed while I played and won a mean game of "Phase 10" with some friends that came with us, and some Japanese friends of theirs. Its always good to sharpen the Japanese skills....which are admittedly rusty.

Final thoughts: I thought it was a great little getaway, but we need to spend some more time there. We never ran into any hippies or granolas, everyone was outwardly oriented the way we prefer: ladies liking the gents and gents liking the ladies, we ate good and fairly cheap, and the natural beauty of the place is breathtakingly beautiful.

Rich kids and poor kids

I was reflecting today on the modest upbringing I had, so I decided to list some of the differences between rich kids and poor kids in school. Now, I am not going for extremes..just the subtle differences. Also, "rich kids" as used below does not mean kids whose families actually had a lot of money, just kids whose parents spent more money on them.

Crayons
Rich kids always had the Crayola box of 64 with the "built in sharpener." I had K-mart waxy sticks, the kind that smeared on the paper in glops. The cool thing about the box of 64 was the semi-sparkly gold and silver crayons. Think the K-mart wax sticks had those colors? Heck no. I had to wait like a vulture, hoping a chunk of someone else's gold or silver crayon fell on the floor, then covertly snatch it up and drop it into one of the slots in my 8 pack that had a missing crayon. (I always got rid of brown because it looked poopy).

Lunch Boxes
Rich kids, if they didn't just pay for the hot lunches, always had the coolest lunch boxes, with cartoons or T.V. shows that were in prime time. Kids had B.A. Barakus or the Incredible Hulk or Knight Rider. I had a lunchbox picked up from a garage sale, so it was some show I never saw, like the 6 million dollar man or Kojak or something.

Lunch itself
Rich kids had hostess cupcakes, twinkies, and ALWAYS had a bag of frito lay chips. Rich kids had lunchables or slim jims, or cheese and crackers. Me, if I had chips, it was some generic brand, put into a ziploc bag. My hostess twinkie was usually an apple or an orange. No slim jims or cheese and crackers. Guaranteed I had a bologna sandwich, or if it was a good day, "cotto salami." You know, the spicy-looking lunchmeat. One benefit of being a poor kid is learning how to trade, although it was unfair trade. I felt like Bangladesh trying to trade with the U.S. "Um, I'll give you all of my generic chips plus my orange for one half of your hostess cupcake. Ok, you can scoop the filling out before I get it too."

Birthday presents
Rich kids got Nintendo games, Transformers. I got practical gifts, like socks, a coat, or mittens. Hey, aren't kids supposed to get those things anyway??

Shoes
Rich kids got Nikes. My nickname for most of my elementary school years was "Pro-Wings." Never heard of them? They were a payless shoe source brand who tried to be Pony, Puma, or Converse. I would have been happy with those brands, but I wore Pro-Wings like I had an endorsement deal with them. When I finally bought my first pair of Nike's, I rode my bike all the way across town, paid most of my paper route savings for them, then felt guilty about it for months, trying to conceal my extravagant purchase from my family for as long as I could. I still feel guilty about it. Still, it was worth not being called "Pro-Wings."

Television
Rich kids have a T.V. in their room. We had a family T.V., which always had a problem of one kind or another. We had one particular T.V. that, at random, wouldn't turn on, so you had to wait 30 minutes, or if someone messed up and tried to turn it on before waiting 30 minutes, an hour wait. How many countless hours were wasted in frustration waiting for that darn T.V. to turn on.

Eating out
Rich kids eat at all kinds of restaurants, and frequently. When we ate at a restaurant, it meant we were on the road traveling and someone forgot to pack a cooler of food (see lunch topic above), or it was my birthday, or we accomplished some major family goal, which reward was eating at a restaurant. Seriously, rich kids get sick of going to McDonalds. I can count how many times we went to McDonald's growing up on one hand. (If you see me today, you realize I have more than made up for missing out on Mickey D's as a youth).


Now, in all honesty, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Raising 6 kids is a financial burden for sure, and we were able to see most of the western U.S. on vacations, went camping a lot, went to parks and had picnics all the time. I was always proud that when we went on vacation, we actually crossed the Mississsippi river (I grew up in Illinois). I always felt sorry for the kids who went to Decatur to see their grandma, or went all the way to Chicago (a 2 hour drive) to see relatives. I had a Dad who played catch with me and my brothers in the backyard, a mom who took us to the library and made up fun activities for us, and parents who really let us use our imaginations and creativity. Can't complain about that at all. Plus, wearing Pro-Wings and eating bologna sandwiches for lunch built character.